Step one, to identify the problem

I have finally figured it out....again.  I am a planner.  I was born that way.  I can be very flexible, but I work best when there is a plan in place.  I have made plans and executed them.  I have made plans and have had them fall apart.  I am realizing now that it's not necessarily the outcome I am working towards, it's actually the planning and executing process that brings me calm.  Now, I know that it's not totally weird to be a planner.  The Creator of the universe plans things.  He had a plan and puts things in order so that things will run smoothly in the world.  I know that I am created in God's image, so being a planner is not surprising to me.  I thrive on plans.  Do you get that I LOVE having a plan??

Yet, every season I find myself reassessing my plan.  I have a plan and have to reevaluate it after a while to see if the plan is working.  I tweak it and change it.  I analyze the plan, think and react.  I change it.  I do it again.

I am seeing a pattern that I don't give the plan enough time to come to fruition.  I jump ship before I have hit shore because I think I can get there faster another way.  Then the waves pull me out farther.  Yet, I continue to do this and wonder why I am farther away from my goal.

In the book of Philippians in the Bible, Paul says this:
"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I CAN DO EVERYTHING THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENTH."  

Alas, the answer to the secret I have been waiting for.  I can be content in the current plan because even though I want to jump ship because I feel like it's not working, it is in fact, already working for God's good.  If I trust Him, then His hands are in all circumstances....even the ones I feel need to be changed.  I can do all things through the One who wrote the book of life.  That is the secret, to see my circumstances and remember that I can do it...only through being on my knees in prayer and bending my will to God's will.

I will give thanks in all things.  Ann Voscamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, is one that I started to read, then put it down as my busy life took me over.  Yet one sentence continues to speak to me....that "ingratitude" in the root of sin.  I have seen that play out in my last 12 weeks.  I began to listen to the lies that surround me.  I have come ungrateful in some areas of my life.  I see now that that that is the problem.

Step one, identify the problem.  Check.

Getting back in action

After what seems like months away, I am getting back in action.  I have not actually been away, but it seems like my normal self has been hijacked by a face paced and blurry life.  I counted 12 weeks that I've been running around on empty.  I just can't shake the feeling that I am missing something big.  I am not even hitting the normal benchmarks I have had hit in the past.  My house is wreck and my washing machine has stopped.  That's when you know it's really bad.  I have quit keeping up with laundry!  That's no okay when you have four kids who need uniforms and soccer outfits and husbands who need clean undershirts.

Alas, I have thrown up my hands.  I have had meetings with teachers about my son's school work and meetings with friends who are concerned with my wellbeing.  I have offically quit wearing make up and committ to only wear sneakers with jeans.  I have hit the preverbial rock bottom of mothering life.

Only here have I found my way again. My inability to pull up my boot straps has drawn me to my knees.  Which is where I should have been all along.  In my weakness, He has made me strongest.