Step one, to identify the problem

I have finally figured it out....again.  I am a planner.  I was born that way.  I can be very flexible, but I work best when there is a plan in place.  I have made plans and executed them.  I have made plans and have had them fall apart.  I am realizing now that it's not necessarily the outcome I am working towards, it's actually the planning and executing process that brings me calm.  Now, I know that it's not totally weird to be a planner.  The Creator of the universe plans things.  He had a plan and puts things in order so that things will run smoothly in the world.  I know that I am created in God's image, so being a planner is not surprising to me.  I thrive on plans.  Do you get that I LOVE having a plan??

Yet, every season I find myself reassessing my plan.  I have a plan and have to reevaluate it after a while to see if the plan is working.  I tweak it and change it.  I analyze the plan, think and react.  I change it.  I do it again.

I am seeing a pattern that I don't give the plan enough time to come to fruition.  I jump ship before I have hit shore because I think I can get there faster another way.  Then the waves pull me out farther.  Yet, I continue to do this and wonder why I am farther away from my goal.

In the book of Philippians in the Bible, Paul says this:
"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I CAN DO EVERYTHING THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENTH."  

Alas, the answer to the secret I have been waiting for.  I can be content in the current plan because even though I want to jump ship because I feel like it's not working, it is in fact, already working for God's good.  If I trust Him, then His hands are in all circumstances....even the ones I feel need to be changed.  I can do all things through the One who wrote the book of life.  That is the secret, to see my circumstances and remember that I can do it...only through being on my knees in prayer and bending my will to God's will.

I will give thanks in all things.  Ann Voscamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, is one that I started to read, then put it down as my busy life took me over.  Yet one sentence continues to speak to me....that "ingratitude" in the root of sin.  I have seen that play out in my last 12 weeks.  I began to listen to the lies that surround me.  I have come ungrateful in some areas of my life.  I see now that that that is the problem.

Step one, identify the problem.  Check.

Getting back in action

After what seems like months away, I am getting back in action.  I have not actually been away, but it seems like my normal self has been hijacked by a face paced and blurry life.  I counted 12 weeks that I've been running around on empty.  I just can't shake the feeling that I am missing something big.  I am not even hitting the normal benchmarks I have had hit in the past.  My house is wreck and my washing machine has stopped.  That's when you know it's really bad.  I have quit keeping up with laundry!  That's no okay when you have four kids who need uniforms and soccer outfits and husbands who need clean undershirts.

Alas, I have thrown up my hands.  I have had meetings with teachers about my son's school work and meetings with friends who are concerned with my wellbeing.  I have offically quit wearing make up and committ to only wear sneakers with jeans.  I have hit the preverbial rock bottom of mothering life.

Only here have I found my way again. My inability to pull up my boot straps has drawn me to my knees.  Which is where I should have been all along.  In my weakness, He has made me strongest.

When your best is not good enough...

It really kicks me to the core when I hear that my best is not good enough.  A certain pang goes down my spine and my gut wrenches when I feel like I've given it my all to no avail.  It seems futile and wasteful...all that energy!  I have calculated and examined, stressed and made perfect, all to have someone say, "Well, it's just not good enough".  What do I then?  I am exhausted and sad that my talents have not matched up with my expectations, I feel that I have been let down and let down someone at the same time.  Tactile expression of truth...my oldest son is very analytical.  He is transparent and literal.  He likes to know derivitives in Latin and X-factors in math.  "If I do this, then this will happen....right mom?".   I have told him over and over again that one thing does always lead to another.  I have tried to explain the concept the Uunexplained and Unaccounted for.  I don't want him to think that things are always so predictable.  But there is a Trust issue here.

When I have given it my all....sprinted to the end with chest heaving due to loss of air...felt the burn of my legs and fatigue in my core.....and still hear, "Bev, you came up short.  You didn't make it"...will I choose to be mad or choose to pass my broken body to the One who was meant to carry me across the finish line?  Choose to give my self to the one who created me....who created my "best" and is still teaching me how to use this body of mine.   My best is still my self, yet His best is more than I could ever hope for.  Yes...my best is not good enough.  YOU are enough Lord! Allow me to trust that You have me in your hands.  Trust that and believe that You are my "enough".
  Press this verse into my heart....


2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Yes!  That's it!

The start of a new day

Part of all things new is a sense of loss.  I watched my littlest girl go off to school today for the first time.  I have kept her home these past few years to sow into her little life and pour into my life a gift that I will always cherish....our precious time together.  I called her my little "partner" as we were rarely separated during the day.  She is the third out of four kids to attend school, so it's "time" I guess.  She practically RAN to the classroom today.  I watched her embrace her new surroundings, her new teacher, and comfort an old friend who was sad.  I remarked to my husband how brave she looked.  I turned the corner and cried a little as I watched my Jilly grow today.  I am so happy for her.  She is getting to experience life on a whole new level at a Christian school that teaches Grace and Love through Jesus.  It's only four hours a day, but she is grateful to be a part of what the "big kids" do.  I am thankful that God grows us up in due time.  I am thankful that I get to see my kids be excited about learning and being with friends.  I am perhaps most thankful that these brothers and sisters run to the car and jump in when's school's out and hug eachother like they have been away from eachother for years!  It's the start of a new year!

Looking up

Yesterday my youngest son decided to try his hand at tree climbing.  He managed to get into the tree just enough to get stuck.  Our other three kids have mastered the art of the climbing tree in our front yard.  They wisk their way to the top and yell, "Here I am world!".   Without fear they climb and sway with the branches in the warm summer wind.  I stand far from the tree with the kids in direct view...I hardly even have to look up to see them.  But Jack gets stuck and I have to go right under the tree to get him.  For a moment while I reach up to grab him I look up.  I look way up into the tree and see all its twisting branches and flowering leaves.  I see the sun all the way up through the tree's top.  For a moment I take it in.  The sun, the branches, the leaves, my son, his branch-like arms and legs...and me reaching for him the way the branches reach for the sun.  "I am the vine, you are the branches...." It seeps into my heart and brain and takes me by surprise again.  God loves me.  God made me.  God loves my kids.  God loves his people.  Even when this world seems fast and furious, over burdened and over limit, careless and worthless, scary and cold...God loves his creation.  I believe that God is real and that there is a Hope.  I lift my little Jack down and he takes my hand.  He smiles and says, "Thank you mommy....you help Jack".  I smile back.  Thank you God...you help me.

Mornings...this is one of my favorites.

I walked upstairs this morning to find three of my kiddos dancing to Jana Alyra, a children's worship CD that will never get old.  My girls are twirling and singing about how Christ's love knows no bounds.  I come in with my coffee and see what brings me to tears.  My oldest girl says she just taught her little brother about Jesus.  Jack is our baby, at 2 years old he is hardly a baby, but a baby we call him nontheless.  She says look mom...and Jack folds his hands and bows his head...,"Dear God, I love you Jesus, Amen!"...new words for my two year old.  My daughter says, "I told him about how Jesus loves him and how to pray".  I told her that God delights when we share His Good News with others and how delighted He will be with her.  She then asked, "Am I in the book of Lambs"?  I smiled and said she is already in the "Lambs book of life".  She then asked if she could sing me a song she made up...."God is good...I can't wait to enter into his gates...He loves me...".  Precious.  My heart melts.  How precious God's children are to him and how precious are the ones who worship Him without limits.  Even in our big city life with busy comings and goings I am thankful for these moments that we just sit and dance.  We have no plans or agendas.  We are in the moment with God and His Love.

Taking care of myself

My friend was starting this diet and she asked if I wanted to join her.  I am not much of a dieter.  I actually am slightly opposed to depriving yourself of foods that you want/enjoy.  However, getting older and facing the fact that I am not going to actually be able to exercise the way I used to, I thought I would try the diet.  I must add that I am not following the diet exactly....it is a loose interpretation of the suggested meals.  My findings so far (two weeks in to the diet) have been thus, I have lost 5 pounds and gained a new appreciation for myself.  Not because of the 5 pounds, but because of the time I have spent on myself these past few weeks.  I have four small children and rarely eat more than a peanut butter and jelly left over crust, some chips and a coffee during the day. These past few weeks I have actually spent time on thinking about what to eat.  I have carefully selected colorful vegetables and saute'ed them, added spices and seasoning, and a protein of some sort.  I have grilled and cooked for myself a plethora of things for three meals a day for two weeks.  I have begun to love this time each day.  I thought I would hate taking the time to chop and stir every meal for myself (as I seem to channel the essence of a short-order chef when I cook for my kids). So, bless my friend who made me try this diet.  I am not much of a dieter, but now it's personal.  I deserve to eat food that will allow my body to be the best mom it can be.